Here’s to the end of my life at Oxford College. I can’t wait to move on from this place. I’ve had both good and bad experiences and have made some really wonderful friends. Honestly, I didn’t enjoy my time at the school, but they made it worth getting through.
I find it interesting that there is a clear divide between when I had never done drugs and when I started using drugs, in terms of my academic performance. All through elementary school and middle school I was a straight-A student, kind of nerdy, but whatever, and I generally did not ever have to try in order to make those good grades. The kids around me liked to cheat off of me and ask me for help in school. No biggie.
Freshman year of high school was the first year I ever made a B. Sophomore year was the first I ever failed a class. It was also the last time I would be in a “gifted” class. Instead, I decided to take lower level classes and pretty much just fuck around all the time. Literally and not so literally. I not only started using drugs and drinking heavily, but I also started dating my ex at the end of my freshman year of high school and subsequently fell into a pretty much constant state of depression. Hence the stint in the mental hospital, numerous psychologists, and various medications.
Now in college I typically make As and Bs with the occasional C, usually in a class I had absolutely no interest in, but had to take for credit hours. But I still don’t feel like I’m anywhere near the same person I was before everything happened in high school, and I feel even further away from the person who I was during high school. Literally it almost seems like it’s just a really long dream I had or a coma or something and I was never actually that person, that’s how disconnected I feel with them. I often don’t like to refer to myself in high school because of how I feel. Sure, I like to talk to people about things that went on in high school, but not about myself and those details. It’s unreal.
Going back into the school scares and excites me at the same time, like I’m doing something dangerous. My brother is in the band there, just like I was, and sometimes it makes me feel upset to attend his band concerts because it’s almost like an out of body experience for me, being there. I must sound like a wack-job, but it’s like when I’m back in the school I feel like I am that girl again, and being her is not a good thing. I vividly remember the lockers I stole out of, the spots in the woods where I used to smoke and fuck, the classrooms I never went to class in. The feeling of strange emptiness I used to have during my teenage years, and the things that I tried so hard to shove into that void are all there, staring me in the face as if to say it’s so easy to go right back to where I was. Or wasn’t.
To my knowledge, my roommate has not gone to a single class since we’ve been back from spring break. She instead spends her days sleeping. Literally all day.
It’s really weird to see that your ex is using a picture that you took of him around 3ish years ago on your anniversary as his profile picture on facebook…
I randomly woke up thinking “What if I already have Alzheimer’s and am just reliving my life without knowing I’m really an old woman who’s lost her mind?”
And then I started freaking the eff out.
The thought of having lost my mind already without even knowing it has got to be the scariest thing in the world. I can’t be the only person who thinks about life too much.
I had a good day! I did my best to stay positive all day long and just look at things with a smile on and most of the time I felt really good actually. Of course there were times where I felt a little down, but that’s only to be expected.
Some great things that happened today:
Some weird things that happened today (well, only one weird thing happened today: