This is when I was skinny and had hair. FML, why did cafeteria’s food make me so effing fat?! Maybe when I stop eating at school I’ll go back down…
Even when I was this weight I still had a donk… So I’d still have curves, I just want to look like this again! Meh!
Last summer at my annual check-up, my doctor told me that instead of weighing around 140 pounds, like I do, I should weigh around 120-125. Keep in mind that I am 5’7” tall. Do you know what her reasoning behind this is? That it would be more “socially acceptable”. No, I kid you not. This is coming from a woman who is an amazing doctor, a very strong woman, and someone who knows how much I have suffered from depression, suicidal tendencies, and anxiety.
I was too shocked to actually say something about it to her, so I just ended up sitting there looking at her and we moved on. It still sickens me that she would have said something like that to me. She’s a doctor. I am sure that it says nowhere in her job description that she should tell her patients what “looks good”, but instead is supposed to tell people how to be healthy. I could go on and on about how I feel and felt about her comment, but I won’t. I struggle every day with my body image, and her words echo in my ears.
I used to be able to suck my stomach up under my ribs and freak people out. Now it just hangs all over the place. Why, hormones, why!!!
Maybe it’s also because I actually eat now…
I’m incredibly out of shape. In the last two years I’ve gained about 10-15 pounds and now usually fluctuate between 142 and 135 pounds. It’s not a bad weight or anything, it’s just that I would like to feel better. Lately I’ve just been feeling gross and unhealthy and I need to change that by working out and not eating quite so much salts and sweets. There have been times lately when I just crave vegetables so much because I haven’t been eating any at all. I just “worked out” in my room for the first time in forever. Last semester when I was wanting to lose an irresponsible amount of weight I used to exercise more often but even then I just didn’t have the motivation. Exercising just doesn’t do it for me like it does for other people. I don’t feel amazing after doing it, I just mostly feel extremely smelly and out of breath.
But tonight when I just did some jumping jacks, crunches, and lunges, my legs actually felt kind of nice. I don’t know if it’s just that I’ve hit that point where my body is desperate for health or what.
about having whatever I had that made me throw up everything I’d eaten and then be too dehydrated and nauseous to eat anything for the next two days besides half a poptart and (finally) a foot long subway sandwich is that I can now fit into my size 5 pants again. And might I add… COMFORTABLY. Like… sans-lovehandles. I’m really enjoying this and I don’t want to take them off just because I know that when I go back to eating like a normal person again it will become a short lived relationship between me and these old pants.
I feel disgusted with myself. A lot of shit happened today and I was a real jerk and a real big baby about basically everything. And then I went and bleached and toned my hair again like I always do when something upsets me. But I don’t cut anymore, which is something that I’m still really proud of.
I didn’t eat anything today except for one snack and then dinner, which was healthy. And I’m disgusted with myself. Did I mention that?
05. Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?
I’m trying to lose weight because none of my pants fit me anymore. I’ve got 2 new pairs of pants that I can wear and I really don’t want to have to buy any more new ones. I’ve been wearing sweatpants pretty much constantly. I just want to be the size that I’ve always been until recently. I just want to be… normal me. For me. I don’t give a flying fuck what other people say or think about my weight or how I look. I just want to be happy with myself for me.
04. Your greatest fears about weight loss.
My biggest fear about weight loss is that I won’t lose any weight at all. I seem to be stuck at this plateau level and it’s just not happening.
Also, I’m sort of afraid that if I do start losing, I won’t be able to tell myself to stop.