I find it interesting that there is a clear divide between when I had never done drugs and when I started using drugs, in terms of my academic performance. All through elementary school and middle school I was a straight-A student, kind of nerdy, but whatever, and I generally did not ever have to try in order to make those good grades. The kids around me liked to cheat off of me and ask me for help in school. No biggie.
Freshman year of high school was the first year I ever made a B. Sophomore year was the first I ever failed a class. It was also the last time I would be in a “gifted” class. Instead, I decided to take lower level classes and pretty much just fuck around all the time. Literally and not so literally. I not only started using drugs and drinking heavily, but I also started dating my ex at the end of my freshman year of high school and subsequently fell into a pretty much constant state of depression. Hence the stint in the mental hospital, numerous psychologists, and various medications.
Now in college I typically make As and Bs with the occasional C, usually in a class I had absolutely no interest in, but had to take for credit hours. But I still don’t feel like I’m anywhere near the same person I was before everything happened in high school, and I feel even further away from the person who I was during high school. Literally it almost seems like it’s just a really long dream I had or a coma or something and I was never actually that person, that’s how disconnected I feel with them. I often don’t like to refer to myself in high school because of how I feel. Sure, I like to talk to people about things that went on in high school, but not about myself and those details. It’s unreal.
Going back into the school scares and excites me at the same time, like I’m doing something dangerous. My brother is in the band there, just like I was, and sometimes it makes me feel upset to attend his band concerts because it’s almost like an out of body experience for me, being there. I must sound like a wack-job, but it’s like when I’m back in the school I feel like I am that girl again, and being her is not a good thing. I vividly remember the lockers I stole out of, the spots in the woods where I used to smoke and fuck, the classrooms I never went to class in. The feeling of strange emptiness I used to have during my teenage years, and the things that I tried so hard to shove into that void are all there, staring me in the face as if to say it’s so easy to go right back to where I was. Or wasn’t.
I’ve never had to think about my sexuality before. It’s kind of scary now that I’m actually doing it and it gives me a whole new respect for those who have had to think about it before rather than just being like “oh hey, I’m *insert sexuality here*” and being done with it.
The more I hear about asexuality, the more I identify with it. I have no desire to have sex anymore. Well, I do, but I don’t… I want to have sex with Yeager because I love him and care about him and want to make him happy, and it makes me feel really good to make him happy. Also, it feels good when we’re doing it. Trust me, it feels great. But I never initiate sex anymore. I consider myself to be a very sexual person, but at the same time, I never really feel “IN THE MOOD”. Although I am attracted to Yeager and find him to be extremely sexy and wonderful and all. I don’t even know. It’s all very very confusing to me, and if anyone has any advice or information or whatever about asexuality or just their own experiences, please let me know? I’m very confused.
*Please note that I am on anti depressant/anxiety medication, which I have heard decreases sex drive.