Today I was emotionally distraught and did some reckless shopping.
I bought boyfriend two pairs of shoes to replace his destroyed ones, some socks for him, a new area rug to replace our disgusting shredding one, a new blanket, and a new comforter. Part of me is like dammit but a bigger part of me is like eh.
I’m feeling really low all of a sudden. I really shouldn’t be. So many things are going well for me, I should be feeling awesome. I just got a well-paying job that will provide office experience for me and that works around my school schedule and I’m going out of town this weekend with friends for a 21st birthday. Plus I’ve been keeping up really well with my school stuff and am not completely broke.
Maybe I’m just anxious because of all of that. Sometimes I feel like when things are going really well, it feels weird to me and I’m not used to the feeling, so I try to sabotage it by either acting out or bad thinking. I just know I have a lot to be looking forward to, but instead I’m randomly all of a sudden miserable and sad.
“I don’t want anyone in or out of my family to see any part of me. Could you destroy my body by cremation? I beg of you and my family – don’t have any service for me or remembrance for me.
My fiance asked me to marry him in June. I don’t think I would make a good wife for anybody. He is much better off without me. Tell my father, I have too many of my mother’s tendencies.”
The suicide note left by Evelyn McHale
This woman fascinates me.
Poor beautiful woman. One of the best photographs.
I don’t even know this girl, and yet she is me.
Cheaters just came on the TV. It reminds me of when I got out of the hospital in high school and I couldn’t make it through an entire day of school without having a panic attack so I only used to do half-days (I spent the rest of the day at home in my basement watching trashy tv shows)… I fucking hate the way I feel about my high school life. While I am able to talk about,remember, and feel parts of it, other parts I have absolutely no emotional connection to. It is as if it never happened. Like a random dream I had that will emerge randomly, triggered by some show, smell, sound, etc. It scares me that I feel so emotionally distant from those things that I went through. It feels like a physical distance, like it was never me… Does anyone else have a similar experience or feelings? I don’t know if maybe it’s a symptom of PTSD… or what. I just feel really alone when it comes to.these feelings.
So tonight was my brother’s last band concert of the year. He play percussion in the high school band. I played flute, and honestly band was probably one of the most important things in my life at that time. It was a refuge, a way of expressing myself, and a social environment for me. My band teacher was a huge influence in my life and he made it clear to me my senior year that I had made a huge impact on his life as well.
Well tonight I went to say hello to the director after the concert was over. Two other guys from the same class I’d been in were there and they stopped to say hello to him and they got their picture taken. After that was done, the director briefly noticed me, gave me an awkward hug, and just kind of stood there. I complimented the concert and their new auditorium and he just acted like he didn’t have a clue who I was. He pretty much just ended up walking away after I’d said my bit. He never once said my name (I know, maybe it’s silly, but it’s a big deal to me), he barely looked me in the eye, and he had no appearance of wanting to see how I was doing. Granted, I’m sure he was tired and ready to get out of there, but it made me really sad.